L.A. Flight Delay

On my way down to L.A. for a few days and my flight is delayed 2hrs. Coupled with the “BE THERE 2HRS BEFORE YOUR FLIGHT” mantra that they terrify you with, I now have 4 hrs to kill.

BEER 1

This is a group of LA bound passengers, so I am inundated with fake tits. Why is “tits’ more crass than “boobs”? I say “boobs” and I feel like a giggling teenager. Boobs are maternal. There be TITS here!

BEER 2

Ran into a little snag. How do you go to the bathroom without leaving your bags or settling up? Working some muscles now to hold off the inevitable.

I watched one of the ‘Fake’ woman lick the salt off of her caesar. I think you need to make a conscious effort to keep that sexy. This was not. It was like a horse to salt…oh, that’s just too dead on. I think she saw me staring, and now I’m doing that thing where you stare at random objects just to prove to her that it wasn’t personal, I’m just a really deep thinker.

BEER 3

After 20yrs of drinking I still can’t trust my “Genius Ideas”. I convince myself of the most inane prospects. I write them down emphatically and tomorrow I’ll wake up and wonder what I should do with “Hotdogs/jungle theme/internet”. I heard a stand-up say the same thing once…I’m not a precious snowflake. I also still think that, 3 beers in, I’m those most charming mofo. I’m currently ‘putting out the vibe’ as if to say “Trust me, there’s dynamic conversation to be had over here! LINE UP!”

The radio is nailing some fantastic 70s & 80s tunes. Def Leopard’s ‘Hysteria’, New Order and now ‘This Flight Tonight’ by Nazereth. Salt Lick Woman catches me singing along and I catch her singing too. We lock eyes. Maybe there’s something there. Her elderly husband is doing Soduko & we’re bonding with “I’m drinkin’ sweet champagne got the headphones up hiiiiigh…” Horse imagery be damned.

BEER 4

As I’m feeling Huey’s ‘Power of Love’ I’m thinking of just posting this blog now. My typing is getting a little sloppy…and it’s not that I get more opinionated the more I drink, it’s just I FEEL it more. I’ve always thought John Cougar’s ‘Jack & Diane’ is overplayed & overrated, but beer makes me say it out loud to the bartender who really only has one thing to say to me, “Another?” I judge for the briefest moment before “Yes please.”

BEER 5

Dodgy. My flight is still over an hour away. My agent called and I was making very little sense. I need to reel this in. Got my bill & headed to Tim Hortons for something to eat. The guy in front of me is the Loud Yawner. You know this guy? His yawn is more of an announcement than a reflex. We get it, you have a story, we All do. The employee says “Here’s your change, your order will be up over there and we’ll call you.” Yawner replies “Call me what? HAHAHAHA…Ahhhh, ok, Thanks.” His kids hate introducing him to their friends.

…and then I notice it. Old Man Yawner left his paid for Croissant by the till. I place my order, casually lifting my bag onto the counter. I scope the joint, measure my guilt. Yawner is now chatting up an uninterested single woman. I stuff the croissant into my bag, pay for my drink and run. I had planned on going back to the bar for Beer 6, but there’s too much heat now.

I scramble to my gate, and with croissant in mouth, I “go the mattresses” to sober up.

-pg-

*update* Loud Yawner is sitting in front of me on the plane. Fighting the urge to confess.

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7 Responses to L.A. Flight Delay

  1. Jackie C says:

    Dude…dude…

    JC

  2. PBMom says:

    I’m actually allergic to alcohol. Developed over time, but I did drink in my early years. I can only imagine what I would be like now with a sip of wine. Probably the same way I was in the OR where they just gave me a sedative before the procedure (a procedure you don’t have to be knocked totally out for), but the second time I came in for the same surgery, they told me how I would not SHUT UP. I thought that was really funny. I wondered what secrets I had revealed to them. OH NO!

  3. Keepinitleal says:

    Everything you do is exactly how I would do it.

  4. cherluvya says:

    Airports are always full of surprises! We are surprised when things go bad and equally surprised when they actually go well. Of course I’ve yet to experience a smooth flying or anything being fine at an airport.

    You actually had me smiling over the croissant. When you were little did your mother have to pat you down before leaving a store? I would so love to know her reaction to the croissant. *giggles*

    Stargate Universe is just plain GREAT television. This season leaves me pondering the story line through most of the week. I am also thrilled that Volker and Brody are getting more screen time. You do such a great job…I am happy knowing the DVDs will relieve some of the sadness of the show’s storyline being put on hold.

    Best always,
    Cheryl

  5. Patricia Lee says:

    Damn, I wish you were on my flight… Just once, I’d like to have a cute and funny guy like you sitting next to me in first class! JUST ONCE!!! Is that to much to ask KARMA!!!

    Cheers!

  6. Lev says:

    I love airports. A lot of people seem to hate it so it’s the one place in the world where it is guaranteed that the majority of the people there will be a lot more miserable than me so it’s fun to revel in their temporary discomforts. (Evil?)

    I hate people who make a public display of their nonexistent interestingness by laughing too loud, talking too loud or yawning too loud. I would have deliberately passed in front of him with half a croissant sticking out of my mouth and said ‘sorry is this yours?’ with crumbs flying out of my mouth. But after that I’d have to speak to this yawnathon and possibly argue with him so it’s probably for the best that you didn’t say anything.

  7. Jordan says:

    Holy shit – laughing out loud to the chagrin of everyone around me. Currently at the airport waiting in line for the lady with the Botox addition to order another bloody mary. Outstanding post. .please sir, can I have some more?

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